Area Man Writes Lost Nostradumass Quatrain

-Kensington, VA

The last thing that ever happens, in the whole universe, is that this one guy farted.

I don’t know what to tell you, Carl. Just please believe me, like, just this time. You should live your life with that knowledge. Like, I had a premonition and stuff.

Man, my belly is getting big.

But anyway, just think about that, when you do anything, okay? It’ll make everything seem like it makes more sense, just thinking about how this one guy is going to fart, and that’s going to be it. Just think about it, Carl, like, when you’re taking Molly to school. Just think, ‘I should drive good, because I need to get Molly to school on time. She needs to get old and have money and like, clothes and stuff. Then she’ll die, but maybe not before she has kids of her own and they have to decide on stuff. And then it’ll all keep going until the end of the world. And it’s all leading up to this one guy farting, because that’s the last thing.

It kind of makes everything seem really important, right? Like…

Hold on.

(Picking noise. Scratching. Grunt.)

My belly button is getting really raw. It’s, like, really deep. My belly is profound.

(Giggling. Hiss. Slurp.)

Um, so, make today count. Okay? Because it’s not like the end is going to be better.

(A homeless man shows up.)

Your beard is really dirty. Can you smell yourself? Carl, look at this guy. Carl, I bet if you talked to this guy, you’d be all, ‘Hey man, you want some change?’

(Laughter. Loud hiss.)

Then he’d be, like, ‘I don’t need change, I live in a mansion. I’m really a rich guy with more money than you, and I just wanted to see if you’d be all mean to me. If you weren’t I was going to give you money.’

‘Then you’d be all, ‘I was just about to offer you to shower in my house, but whatever, homeless. I don’t believe you.’

Then he’d take off his beard. Can you take off your beard, homeless? No? Oh, well, this is just what I’m thinking, like, a premonition.

(Scratching.)

Anyway, then he’d be like, ‘For real. I’m rich.’ He’d take off his beard and be all a millionaire and stuff. Then you’d be all ‘Boo who. I coulda got all this money, but I didn’t because this guy pulled a fast one on me. Now Molly is going to be a prostitute.’

The possibilities, Carl, are just endless.

(Farting noise. The universe ends.)